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Adult Jokes

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A homeless wino passes out in the street next to a gay bar. That night one of the bar's patrons leaves the bar and sees the wino
asleep on the street. He rolls the wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up, finds the $10, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and asks the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle, the wino leaves and resumes his position on the street.

That night the same man leaves the gay bar, only to find the wino passed out on the street again. He rolls the wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket.   In the morning the wino wakes up, finds the $10, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and asks the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle, the wino
leaves and resumes his position on the street.

That night the man and 3 of his friends leave the gay bar. They see the wino and decide to share. They take turns rolling the wino over and having their way with him. Each of them leaves a $10 bill in the wino's pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up sees the $40 and heads to the liquor store. The clerk says "Let me guess, $40 of our cheapest wine?"   "No" said the wino, "Give me whiskey. That wine is tearing my ass up."(submitted by Rhett)

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One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he would buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."  Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.  The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"(submitted by C. Guinn)

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Two guys were carpooling home from work one day.  Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored.  The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouted, "What are the those dogs doing?  Fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before." The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest
that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.  The next
morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?" The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX marguerritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!" (submitted by C. Guinn)

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This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. 'Oh my God!' she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar.  'It figures,' she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink. "'What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??'

'Well, ma'am,' the sheriff slowly replies, 'You don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?'(submitted by Rhett)

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At 85 years, a fello marries a lovely 25 year old woman.  Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.  After the
festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes, and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union, and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her, and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old man is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door, and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.  As they're were lying in afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one..... You're great!"
Octogenarian looks confused for a time.  Then he turns to her and says, "Oh.... Was I already here?"(submitted by T Jones)

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.  It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"  He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
(submitted by Skosh)

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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,
you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:   "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."  They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."  The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."(submitted by Roger G.)

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Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited.  He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product.   He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.  A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a
porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing.  He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.  Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.  Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."   The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."(submitted by Roger G)

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.  "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a   hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did   their thing.   After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking  out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well,  I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." (submitted by C. Guinn)

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A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.   "Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."   "Your mistress? That's it!  I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.   The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you
want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs,  your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"  For a long time they continued dining in silence.  Finally, the woman
nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there?  Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.  "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert.  "Ours is much cuter." (submitted by C Guinn)

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"  The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'  and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.  (submitted by JFSAZ)

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A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday-she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, I'm stumped." His buddy said "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it, she'll probably be thrilled."  So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said "Well?  Did you take my suggestion?"  "Yes, I did" said the fellow.   "Did she like it?" His buddy asked.  "Oh yes!  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!  (submitted by JFSAZ)

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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  (submitted by cg moore)

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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.  "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"  The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me  tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.  He  never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he  accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his   gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."  "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.  Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of  him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must  have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.(submitted by C Guinn)

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There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day.    He had never been with a prostitute before and curious and excited, the koala bear spent the night with her and had a great time.  The next morning, he went down on her one last time time before departing.  After he was finished, the koala headed for the door and was just about to leave when the prostitute yelled "what about the money?"  Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugged his shoulders and replied "huh."  Come here the prostitute said and she pulled a dictionary out of her purse.  She points to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "has sex and gets paid."  Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word Koala and showed her its definition. "eats bush and leaves." (submitted by Jim Collins)

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A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.  The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub.   There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.  Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is  cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father reply's "Aye, my  son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your  mom when I'm gone."  (submitted by JFSAZ)

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.  It reads:  SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.  He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.  Soon, he sees another sign which says:  SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES   and realizes that these signs are for real.  When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.  On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:  SISTERS OF MERCY.  He climbs the steps and rings the bell.  The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son.  Please follow me."  He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.  This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."  He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.  He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.  As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. (submitted by JFSAZ)

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"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" asked the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" she asked.
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed!" (submitted by C Guinn)

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A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.   "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."  The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.   After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband!  He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."  "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.  Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?"(submitted by C Guinn)

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A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted  to each other right away, but  they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.  The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.  "This is wonderful!  Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.  The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"  A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks.  Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"  They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.  Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:  "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing." (submitted by jerrynic)


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An elderly couple were driving cross country the woman was driving. She got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer parked behind them and came to the driver's window.   He said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?  The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"    The old man yells  "He says you were speeding."    The patrolman says "May I see you license?"     The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"     The old man yells "He wants to see your license." The woman gives him the license.   The patrolman says "I see you are from Arkansas I spent some time there once and had the worst sex with women I had ever had."     The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"   The old man yelled to her "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU"  (submitted by da fish)

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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfiend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can u tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can u tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-Wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What would u call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A: Well-hung.

Q: What's another term for a lesbian?
A: "Vagitarian."

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The Swallow.

Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
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One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not   finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.   Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on
and have a horsie ride?"  "Of course, Son, we're a family."  So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.  "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"(submitted by jerrynic)

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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he was at least 14." (submitted by jerrynic)

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Two rednecks drove to a gas station in another state for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.  "How do we enter ?" asked the redneck. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10.  If you guess right, you win free sex" "O.K. I guess 7, " said the redneck. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two rednecks returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one of them asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex". "2," said the redneck. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back and try again any time." As they walked back to the car, the one redneck said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week." (submitted by jerrynic)

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"Starter Pistol, Anyone? "

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time I and the misses have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. " The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!" The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols!  Last night we were having a little 69.  As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So???  What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! " (submitted by Roger Gagnon)

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A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......(submitted by Joe Stall)

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.  At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you. He said, "F*** him.....give him a dollar".  "The breakfast was my idea!" (submitted by Astrophyl)

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A dedicated UAW steward from a Big Three auto company was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, then, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." (submitted by The Fish)

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The doctor tells a homosexual he has AIDS. "What should I do?" asks the man. The doctor tells him to go to Mexico, drink the tap water, eat raw fruit and vegetables, and eat tacos from a vendor with dirty hands. "Will this cure me?" asks the man. "No," replies the doctor, "but it will teach you what your asshole is really for."

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A fella complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a computer in the lobby of the local Kaiser hospital that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than even their own doctors or nurse practitioners. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And, it only costs $10.00" Figuring he had nothing to lose, he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the local Kaiser hospital. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and various lights started to flash. After a brief pause, a small piece of paper popped out, on which was printed: 1. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor and it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it could change medical science forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and to top it off he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to Kaiser and poured the sample in while depositing his $10.00. The computer began making the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: 1. Your tap water is hard. Get a softener. 2. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. 3. Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab. 4. Your wife's pregnant. It ain't your's, get a lawyer. 5. If your don't stop jerking off like that, your "tennis elbow" will never get better.

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Two married buddies were out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "you know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut of the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late." His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, "How about a little?" and she pretends she's asleep.   Submitted by J. Collins

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Irving Schwartz wanted to determine if both his wife, Sadie, and mistress, Esther were faithful to him. Mr.. Schwartz decided to send them on a cruise. Sadie had been asking to go on one for years. Esther was thrilled with the idea. Irving would claim illness and stay home, while both his wife and mistress took the same cruise. Later on he would question them about the other's behavior. Since neither knew about the other, he would have to be careful in his questioning. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened Schwartz then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," Esther said. "How so?" Irving asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."      Submitted by Mark

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An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"  "In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I'm usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."   "This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"       Submitted by b neuguth

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A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."  Submitted by chuck

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There was a man who had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off and he couldn't provide her with the things she wanted, so he made do by doing everything she asked around the house. One night the wife came home late, wearing a diamond necklace. Knowing that he hadn't given her the money to buy such expensive jewelry, he asked., "Where did you get that from" The wife quickly replied, "I won it at bingo, now go draw my bath." He did as she commanded and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late, wearing a mink coat. Once again, the husband became suspicious and asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife replied: "Same place as the necklace. I won it at bingo. Now go draw my bath." Once again, he did as he was told and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late again, this time driving a brand new Mercedes Benz. The husband, overcome with suspicion asked, "Where the Hell did you get that from?"  His wife, still trying to maintain her cool, and her control over her husband. answered, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from!! I told you where I get this. I won it at bingo. Now go upstairs and run my bath for me, and not another word about it!" The man quietly went upstairs. A few moments later the wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife yelled from the bathroom "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The husband yelled back from the bedroom, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet."  Submitted by chuck

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"  The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey-I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!! Submitted by chuck

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A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "Who do you think I am, the freakin’ Maytag Repairman?" and hung up. The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "Who do you think I am the freakin’ Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up. She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag Repair man. He promptly arrived and, of course, fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knew anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little. He went outside to take a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag guy says, "I’ll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me; your choice." Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The lady said, "Who do you think I am, freakin’ Betty Crocker?" Submitted by  jerry nicholas

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In shop class, a teacher asked Judy, "What is the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly sa as I know, cause I ain't never been "bolted." Submitted by  jim collins

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Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?", she asked.   He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!" Submitted by chuck

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This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Mmmm!" That night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they'd all say. Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "Oh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass."    Submitted by chuck

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."   Submitted by roger gagnon

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Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three, hmmm, well when were they?" as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her... "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a
loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short....Submitted by jkerr

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!"   "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" Submitted by cgmoore

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A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a condom, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? asked the pharmacist. "Yes I did!" answered the clerk. Where did he go?" asked the pharmacist. The clerk replied "Your house." Submitted by Rick’s

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly feed her family now. In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When her husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son, Greg, woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When Greg got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will make love to me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." Greg agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son, Rob, woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. When Rob got to the river the mermaid said to him, "If you will make love to me 10 times in a row, I will make everything right." While Rob tried his best (seven times!!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest, Dave, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that his life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will make love to me 15 times in a row." Dave replied, "Is that all? Why not 20 times in a row? The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then Dave said, "Hell, why not 25 times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in arow?" Finally she said, "Enough! Okay, if you will have sex with me 30 times I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Dave asked, "Wait! How do I know that 30 times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"  Submitted by jerrynic

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