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Bar Humor

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A drunk guy is on the highway, and hears a report on the radio that there's a maniac on the road driving against traffic. He says   Jesus Christ, one? There's a whole fuck'in shitload.(submitted by Mike Gibson)

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."  The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
The first man says, "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The second man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but
that must have been a one time fluke." The first man says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his
fellow drinker to try it.  The second man says, "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a splat.' Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."(submitted by T. Jones)

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THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES

13. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone  them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

6.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is  the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol  may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3.  WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2.  WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes  large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

1.  WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.  (submitted by Bill Schwinn)

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"   

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."(submitted by Chuck)

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   Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of  ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."  So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of  thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By  now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.  Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"  The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest,  raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart,"  slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"   "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"(submitted by Chuck)

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Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of   female hormones.  To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive,  and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned..(submitted by Rhett)

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An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw   his "down the hatch" in one go. His wife watched him, then  took a sip from her glass and
immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's Bloody AWFUL!!!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And YOU think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" (submitted by Skosh)

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SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

  • You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

  • You lose arguments with inanimate objects

  • Job interfering with your drinking.

  • Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

  • Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

  • The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

  • Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

  • Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

  • You can focus better with one eye closed.

  • The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

  • You fall off the floor...

(submitted by Rhett)

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.      The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.   "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh,"
she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."  (submitted by jerrynic)

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A man walked into a bar and ordered 6 shots of tequilla, the bartender, being rather reluctant said, "C'mon man, nothing can be that bad that  you need 6 shots of tequilla."  All the man said is, "I just found out  that my first son is gay."  "Oh geez," replied the bartender,"here ya go." and he gave him the 6 shots. Two months later, same guy, same bar, same bartender,  this time the man asks for 12 shots of tequilla.  Once again the bartender says,"C'mon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 12 shots of tequilla." And the man replied by stating,"I just found out my second son is gay."  "Oh man, that is pretty bad!" said the bartender feeling really sorry for the man, so he gave him his 12 shots of tequilla. Three more months went by and the same situation again, this time the man asks for 24 shots of tequilla.  The bartender says "God damn man, doesn't anybody in your family eat pussy?"...The man replied, "Yeah, I just found out my daughter does." (submitted by jerrynic)

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A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson.  She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed. "You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly.  "I married your sister." (submitted by jerrynic)

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from? " "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn't, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste so good. After the final beer, he gets up from his seat and immediately falls on the floor. He tries to get up, but again he falls. He knew he had had one, perhaps a few, too many, but... After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So very, very carefully he crawls inside to his bed and very quietly slips under the covers without waking his wife. The next morning his wife wakes him and asks him furiously, "Were you drunk again last night"? Danny, surprised at being caught, asks her how she knew! "They just called from the bar. You left your wheelchair there."

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A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's going on 'ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got my girlfriend too!"

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Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF!" Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp,yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one." The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"

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A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"    Submitted by chuck

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.  "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." Submitted by roger gagnon

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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?   Submitted by  jerry nicholas

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Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":


"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
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Beer quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer
and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a
football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very
least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin


Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson


Submitted by cgmoore

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