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Dumb Blondes

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Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the .............the birth of........ of Jesus." 
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. "I know what Easter is.   Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.  Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.   Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."  (submitted by Larry s.)

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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."  Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That
hurts, too."  Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."  (submitted by Rett)

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There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early. One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know.  So, they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date.  The redhead was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.  The blonde was happy, happy, happy, to be home.  But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.   Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!
Ever so gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.  The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. "NO WAY!!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!(submitted by Rhett)

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A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.  The clerk asked, "What's the problem?  Wouldn't your cat eat them?"   The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?" (submitted by C Guinn)

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Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror.  If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish.  However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."  *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF(submitted by Hennessey)

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Two blondes were driving through Louisiana.  As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.  As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce where
we are,...very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." (submitted by Rhett)

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SHE WAS SO BLONDE

*   she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
*  she thought a quarterback was a refund

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.  They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.  The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a  moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry   up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.  The brunette came in first, the redhead second.  The blonde woman  finally reached shore completely exhausted.   After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." (submitted by C Guinn)

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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.   The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging  high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.  When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"  The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us.  So, we decided to set the record straight.  Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" (submitted by jerrynic)

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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.  St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one question.  St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful. . . "  "Wrong!",  replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"  The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."  St. Peter looks at the second blonde, then shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, " What is Easter?"  The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes.  "I know what Easter is."  "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands to die.  He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."  St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued,  "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out . . . and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."(submitted by C Guinn)

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A blonde tourist goes into a Rick's Cafe world wide message center to send a message  to her mother in Poland. When Rick tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! " To that Rick asks "Anything"??  And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, Rick says "Follow  me"   ..He walks into his private upstairs office and tells her  "Come in and close the door"..She does!! He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"  With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! Rick then says  "Well.. Go ahead"!!...  She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO,  MOM"????  (submitted by JFSAZ)

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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;   the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she  was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her  room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"(submitted by D Fisher)

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Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q:Did u hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

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A police officer pulls over a little red sports car for speeding.   He walks up to the car and the first thing he notices is how gorgeous the driver is.  Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.  Could I see your driver's license?"
"License . . . ???"  The blonde looks confused.
"It's usually in your wallet," replies the officer.  After fumbling  for a few minutes, the driver manages to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asks the cop.
"Registration . . . . What's that?" asks the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," says the cop impatiently.
After more fumbling, she finds the registration.  "I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks back to his squad car.   The officer runs a routine check on the license and registration, and the dispatcher comes back all excited: "Is this woman driving a red sports car?" he asks.
"Yes," answers the officer.  "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asks the dispatcher.
"Uh ... yes", replies the cop.  "Here's what you do" says the dispatcher.
"Give her back her stuff, stand back and drop your pants."
"WHAT!!?  I can't do that.  That's crazy!" exclaims the cop.
"Trust me; just do it," says the dispatcher.
So the cop returns to the blonde, hands back the license and registration, and drops his pants as instructed.
The blonde rolls up her eyes and sighs, "Oh no!  Not ANOTHER breathalyzer ".

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A blonde  and a brunette  met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news.  A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The brunette bet the blonde $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the blonde replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the  brunette the $50 she owed. The  brunette said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the  brunette said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money". The blonde  replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" (submitted by Joe Stall)

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A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model." Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Slightly amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?" The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York." (submitted by Joe Stall)

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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Q: What do you call a dead blond in a closet?

A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

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There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

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A young man finally won a date with a blonde female of somewhat questionable morals who lived in his apartment complex. In preparation for his big date, the young man went up on the roof of his apartment in order to tan himself. In doing so, the man fell asleep naked on the roof and managed to get a sunburn all over. This man was determined not to miss his date so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The man treated his date to a home cooked meal and afterwards, they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the sunburned privates started to hurt him. He asked to be excused and immediately went into the kitchen, poured cold milk into a tall glass. He then placed his sunburned member into the milk glass and experienced a relief of his pain. In the meantime, the blonde was wondering what he was doing so she wandered into the kitchen and found him in this situation. When she seen him, the blonde exclaimed "I always wondered how you guys loaded those things."   Submitted by J. Collins

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A blonde walks into a store and tells the salesman that she would like to buy the TV that is on sale for $200. The salesman says, "sorry, we don't sell to blondes". She leaves, goes home, puts on a brown wig and sunglasses and goes back to the store and tells the salesman she wants to but the TV that is on sale for $200. He says, "sorry, we don't sell to blondes." So again, she goes home, puts on a black wig, sunglasses and a hat and tries to buy the TV again. Again the salesman tells her they don't sell to blondes. Finally she asks, "how do you know I'm a blonde" and the salesman replies "because that's not a TV, its a microwave." Submitted by J. Collins

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So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back" You're on the other side."    Submitted by t jones

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A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.  The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down." "Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"  Submitted by roger gagnon

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Q: What is the best thing about getting a blow job from a Spice Girl?
A: 10 minutes of silence.

Q: What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you ?
A: Take out the pin and throw it back

Q: What did the Spice girls mum say to her daughters date ?
A: If you're not in bed by 11 go home.

Q: What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel ?
A: An air-bag.

Q. What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?
A. Dunno - never seen either!

Q: What is the difference between a Spice Girl and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been inside a 747.

Q Why do the Spice Girls smile when there's lightning ?
A They think they are getting their photo taken.

Q: A blonde and the Spice Girls jumped off the Empire State building. Who landed first?
A: The blonde - the Spice Girls had to stop and ask directions !

Q How many Spice Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A None, they only screw in cars.

Q: What do a turtle and a spice girl have in common?
A: Put them on their back and they're both screwed

Q: Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why don't Spice Girls eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: How do you know when a Spice Girl has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What does a Spice Girl and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.   Submitted by JFS

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THERE WAS A TYPICAL BLONDE. SHE HAD LONG, BLONDE HAIR, BLUE EYES, AND SHE WAS SICK OF ALL THE BLONDE JOKES. ONE DAY, SHE DECIDED TO GET A MAKE OVER, SO SHE CUT AND DYED HER HAIR. SHE ALSO WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A NEW CONVERTIBLE.  SHE WENT DRIVING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD AND CAME ACROSS A HERD OF SHEEP.  SHE STOPPED AND CALLED THE SHEEP HERDER OVER. "THAT'S A NICE FLOCK OF SHEEP." SHE SAID "WELL THANK YOU" SAID THE HERDER     "TELL YOU WHAT. I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU" SAID THE WOMAN "OKAY" REPLIED THE HERDER  "IF I CAN GUESS THE EXACT NUMBER OF SHEEP IN YOUR FLOCK, CAN I TAKE ONE HOME?"  "SURE" SAID THE HERDER SO, THE GIRL SAT UP AND LOOKED AT THE HERD FOR A SECOND AND THEN    REPLIED "382"  "WOW"  SAID THE HERDER "THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. GO AHEAD AND PICK OUT THE SHEEP YOU WANT TO TAKE HOME"   SO THE WOMAN WENT AND PICKED ONE OUT AND PUT IT IN HER CAR. THEN, THE HERDER SAID "OKAY, NOW I HAVE A  PROPOSITION FOR YOU"  "WHAT IS IT?" QUERIED THE WOMAN "IF I CAN GUESS THE REAL COLOR OF YOUR HAIR, CAN I HAVE MY DOG BACK?"

Submitted by Jim Collins

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