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Lawyers

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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!    "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"  "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." (submitted by KWT)

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What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in  sand?
* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead  lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up
everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ......  I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.  (submitted by Chuck)

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A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.  The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.  After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.  "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."    They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they
found an even larger, meaner dog than the first.  He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.  "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."  "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."    The men continued their tour.  Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt.  He seemed unaware of the men's approach.  "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.  The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others, he doesn't even act like an attack dog."  "I know he appears tame now," said the owner.   "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."(submitted by Chuck)

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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road near the court house.  Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud 'THUMP' and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.  He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"  "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.  "No problem, Father!  I'll give you a lift...climb in the truck".  The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. As he approached the court house and suddenly saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'THUD'.  Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer".  "That's okay", replied the priest, "I got him with the door!"  (submitted by astrophyl)

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It seems Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.  After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you."  "Okay then, "said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.   Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine ," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. " How's everything going?" he asked Bill.  Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like what I saw before! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter. "You know what a demo is, don't you Bill?" (submitted by jerrynic)

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you mother do all day?" Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?" Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" (submitted by jerrynic)

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Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. (submitted by jerrynic)

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Overheard:  Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.  "My name is Billy. What's yours?", asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant.  What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy. (submitted by jerrynic)

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

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A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words." Submitted by chuck

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