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Military Humor

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A Captain in the foreign legion was  transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy
looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"  The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."  The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN  THE CAMEL!!!"  The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.   As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"  The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." (submitted by Rhett)

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An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking,  bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!!"

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in a air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"   (submitted by Rhett)

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A MARINE dressed to kill with Marine shirt, hat, and Dress Blue Slacks went  into a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat there sipping his Hawaiian Punch, a young lady sat down next to him.  After she ordered her drink, she turned to the Marine and asked him: "Are you a real Marine?"  To which he replied: "Well, I have spent my whole life in the Marine Corps, herding soldiers, breaking into a sweat, and being an asshole.  I guess I am a real Marine."    After a short while, he asked her what she was.  She replied: "I've never been in the Marine Corps, so I'm not a Marine, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. For instance, as soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women.  When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."  A short while later she left and the Marine ordered another Hawaiian Punch.  A couple sat down next to him and asked: "Are you a real MARINE?"   He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."(submitted by D. Morales)

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BULLETIN:    This just in...

It was reported that a small two seater airplane crashed in a cemetery near Camp Lejune Marine Base early this morning.   So far, the Marines have recovered 300 bodies and they're still digging. Further developments will be posted.   (submitted by Rick's)

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One day a general was traveling down the back roads of Lackland Air Force base when his driver lost control of the vehicle and crashed. A quick thinking basic-trainee pulled the general from the burning wreck seconds before it exploded. "Son for your quick thinking and bravery" said the general, " I want to promote you." "Any rank you'd like is yours for saving my life". The stunned trainee sat speechless Thinking. "How's about we make you a 2nd Lieutenant?" "Would you like that, a commission right out of basic training?" asked the general. "I don't think so, sir" the trainee replied. "Well how about a 1st Lieutenant then, that's a step higher?" Again the trainee thought, and refused. "Well son, Captain is the next step above that, and as high as I'd be able to promote you, how's that sound?" "The trainee thought for a minute and sheepishly replied, "Well Sir, 2nd Lieutenant, 1st Lieutenant, Captain, they all sound good, but what I'd really like to be, well, is a Master Sergeant." "I'm very sorry son, I can't do that " the general replied, " you have to test to become a Master Sergeant."  Submitted by chuck

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There were 2 groups of soldiers waiting on the platform to catch the train, 10 officers and 10 NCO's. The officers all had tickets, but noticed the group of NCO's purchased only one ticket. Curious about what they would do, the officers kept a close eye on the NCO's. A few minutes after boarding the train, the conductor came by to collect the passengers tickets. While he was busy with the other passengers, the group of NCO's got up and jammed into one of the small bathrooms in the car. The conductor came by knocked on the door, "ticket please." The NCO's slid the single ticket under the door and it was collected by the conductor. This made a very positive impression on the officers. They discussed the pros and cons and made up their minds to try the technique on the return trip. The next day the same two groups assembled at the train station. The group of officers brought one ticket and the NCO's didn't buy any. Puzzled by this move, the officers boarded the train and carefully watched the NCO's. The conductor appeared shortly after the start of the trip and the officers jammed into the bathroom. The NCO's headed for the adjoining bathroom. One NCO stopped, knocked on the officers' bathroom and said "ticket please." The NCO took the ticket and joined his comrades in the second bathroom.   Submitted by Rob

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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and   civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"   The tower responded, "Who is calling?"  The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"   The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.   If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock,    If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours,   If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.   If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the  little hand is on the 3.   If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it is Thursday afternoon.(submitted by Rick's)

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An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst  way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.  He thought,  "those must  be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."  Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.  One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!" (submitted by jerrynic)

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A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

PAUSE

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy..."

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A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and applying cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The
devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door #3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell".

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Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.


Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

A: Don't worry....he'll tell you.


Q: What do pilots use for birth control?

A: Their personality.


Q: What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining soon after landing.


Q: What is the difference between a pilot and a pig?

A: The pig doesn't turn into a pilot after 6 beers!
A: A pig won’t stay up all night trying to pick up a pilot in a bar.


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