AKAtheville.jpg (4277 bytes)

Politics

small margarita station.jpg (4437 bytes)
 

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton   (submitted by Rhett)

==========================

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity."  So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake. 
"No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity." "Fair enough," replies Satan.  Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second
door.  Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either." Satan takes Bill to the last door.  Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists.  At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job.   Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out...... Your replacement's here (submitted by Rett)

==========================

What will be the title of the movie made about the Clinton administration,asks the Washington Times? Here are a few responses:

Truth and Consequences
Citizen Stain
Prince of Ties
The Bad News Bares
Dumb and Dumber
Lady and the Tramp
Apackolies
The Big Lewinsky
Dial M for Monica
Willy Wonka and the Cigar Factory
Easy Liar
The Lyin' King
Free Willy
Animal Spouse
Terms of Impeachment
The Wizard of Odds
Hip, Hip, Beret
The Full Monica
Romancing the Phone
Tiepanic
Sex, Ties and Audiotape
Waiting to Inhale
The Eight Commandments
Neither an Officer nor a Gentleman
Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency
The Me Lie Massacre
Bedtime for Bubba   (submitted by T Jones)

==========================

WARNING-WARNING-WARNING-WARNING

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia announced today that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.  (submitted by the CDC)

==========================

* What California city can't Bill get off its mind lately?             Scent o' Monica.
* Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?            The Spread Eagle
* What is Clinton's favorite toy?                         An Erector Set. 
* What is Clinton's favorite card game?              Poker. 
* What is Clinton's worst nightmare?                 An intern with braces.
* How did they finally bust Clinton?                  Monica finally coughed up the evidence. 
* During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "TrickyDicky."   Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky."
* What's Slick Willie's new nickname?               President-erect.
* What do the Nixon Whitehouse and the Clinton Whitehouse have in common?          Two Dicks out of control. 
* What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Hilary?            "My little buttercup."
* What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Monica?             "My little suction cup."
* Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is now working for 7-11?         She's endorsing the "Big Gulp."
* Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?               He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
* Why does Clinton swim naked in the White House pool?            He is trolling for interns. 
* What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?               Unibanger.
* How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's  testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth!" 
* Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?            The nation.
* What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and  Bill Clinton?       Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the   truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
* What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?          They were both upset when Bill finished first.
* Why is Clinton's approval rating so high?                 Because Monica was taking  the pole.
* What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?              Fornigate.
* What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?            Missionary.
* What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?                "Sat on the Presidential Staff."
* If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?   Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
* Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?      She didn't understand what STAFF he really meant.
* What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?    We know how many went down on the Titanic.
* How could President Clinton deny he had sex with Monica Lewinsky?  Clinton claims it wasn't sex because, after all, she didn't swallow.
* What's the most popular game at the White House?     Swallow the leader. 
* If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?
* What movie does Bill Clinton show to seduce White House interns?        Free Willy. 
* Wouldn't Monica be great in the "got milk" ads? Can't you just picture her with that little white moustache? 
* Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President  Clinton's DNA.
* After the Lewinsky story broke, Hillary asked Bill to comfort her with  those three little words. Bill said, "EATIN' ain't CHEATIN'!" 
* Monica didn't get paid for working in the White House...she did it for a GAG!
* The new favorite dish in the White House is the Clinton stew. One weenie in hot water. 
* Bill: "I didn't tell her to lie in the DEPOSITION...I told her to lie in THAT there position!"
* Bill Clinton accused Monica of not following the party line...He says she only paid lip service to it.
* Clinton hired Johnny Cochran for his defense. The new line is..."If  she spit, you must aquit!"
* Hillary just hired a new White House intern ... LORENNA BOBBIT!
* The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone."
* Hillary's new book: "It Takes A Village..." "...To Satisfy My Husband" 
* Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, "I can't wait to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica's panties off!" The serviceman replies, "Aren't you a bit frisky sir? Bill says,  "Nah.. they're just riding up my crack!"(submitted by Rett)

==========================

It is near the end of the school year.  The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do.  All the children are restless because of  this. The teacher says, "whoever answers the questions I ask first  and correctly can  leave early today.
Little Johnny says to himself "good, I want to get outta here.   I'm smart and  will answer the question". The teacher asks, "who said "Four Score and Seven Years Ago"?. Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie says "Abraham  Lincoln". The teacher  says "That's right Susie, you can go home.   Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first. The teacher asks another question, "who said "I have a Dream"?    Again before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary says "Martin  Luther King".
Teacher says that's right Mary, you can go home.   Johnny was even madder than before. The teacher then asks, who said "ask not what your country can do for you"? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy says , "John F. Kennedy". Teacher   says right Nancy you can go home. At this point Johnny is BOILING mad that he had not been able  to answer any of   the questions. Then the teacher turns her back and Johnny says "I wish these  bitches would    keep their mouths shut!"  The teacher turns around and says to Johnny,  "who said that?" Johnny replies - "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"(submitted by Rett)

==========================

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates.  After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "'Tis I, your lordship-President Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton.   "Soooo," pondered Peter.  "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.  I guess I had extra-marital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.'  And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."  After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.'  And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."   (submitted by D Inch)

==========================

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:   Prepare
yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"(submitted by Rhett)

==========================

Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House the President asked, "How would you like to see the Presidential Clock?" Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know, Mr President.  I've heard some pretty bad things about you.   I don't think it would be a good idea. "Nonsense", said the President.   "It's just a clock."  Ashley agreed and the President led her to into the Oval Office where they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out. Ashley gasped..."Oh, that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the Presidential Cock! To which the President responded, "Ashley honey, once you put a face and  two hands on it, it's a clock!!!!!!"  (submitted by T Jones)

==========================

BUMPER STICKERS

One More Whore And We Get Gore!

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Slept with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Take Credit, Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter,  let him date your daughter.
(submitted by Rhett)

==========================

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process.  When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking.  After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button.  A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.  Confused, Clinton carries on
talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed.  This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin.  Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi.  "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on
Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button.  Saddam
ducks, but nothing happens.  Clinton snickers.  A few seconds later he   presses the second button.  Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens.    Clinton roars with laughter.  When the third button is pressed, Saddam   jumps up  again, and again
nothing happens.  Clinton falls on the floor in a fit  of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"(submitted by Chuck)

==========================

 

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach
cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my
cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.(submitted by Mr2Wicked)

==========================

Chelsea was home on mid-term break. Hilary collared her in her room and demanded to know if she had been behaving in a lady-like manner (as if Hilary'd know). She caps the quiz with "Have you been getting into any sexual hanky-panky?"
"Not according to Dad." (submitted by Warren H)

==========================

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
  
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.
   
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
(submitted by Chuck)

==========================

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.   After the plane was airborne the flight attendant came around for drink orders.   The President asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed before him.   The attendant asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice...(submitted by Chuck)

==========================

While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.

Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".(submitted by Tony Jones)

==========================

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.  Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there
was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some  trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.  I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!  The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.  Technically, the guy did have a bad day.   It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.  To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!  Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine.  But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course
I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain,I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story.  "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.  "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.  The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.   Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator.  (submitted by Roger G.)

==========================

The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic surgeon.  Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking about having her love handles removed.  However, she decided not to go through with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would cause near total deafness. (submitted by Skosh)

==========================

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river  and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."(submitted by Rhett)

==========================

Sleeping  Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.  "I am the most beautiful person  in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not, "answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest person in the world, "shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal.  Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.  Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out  beaming.  "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.   "I am the smallest person in the world.
Merlin agrees."  In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"  (submitted by jim gardner)

==========================

Yasser Arafat confided to President Clinton during their meeting last week:  "Bill, sheep don't talk."
(submitted by jerrynic)

==========================

Clinton returned from a vacation in Arkansas and walked down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the stairs, the honor guardsman stepped forward and remarked, "Nice pigs, Mr. President." Clinton replied, "I'll have you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answered, "Nice trade, Sir."

==========================

President Clinton was at an elementary school addressing a group of children about current events, and the subject of tragedies came up. So he asked the children to give him an example of a tragedy. Several students raised their hands and he selected a little girl. The girl said,  "If a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed by a car, that would be a tragedy." Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident." A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff and all were killed, that would be a tragedy." The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would be a great loss."  Clinton asked the class again for an example and no one raised a hand.  He said, "Surely someone can give me an example of a tragedy." Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force 1 and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, THAT would be a tragedy." The President was very glad and said, "Yes, THAT would be a tragedy. Can you explain why?" The boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!" (submitted by Mickey Wright)

==========================

Co president's Hillary and Bill Clinton and Al Gore were in a car accident an died (what a shame???). They went to the gates of heaven where they appeared before God. God sat on his thrown, and told them that they must each step forward, one at a time, and give their name and what they accomplished in life to deserve to be permitted into heaven. Al Gore approached God and said "My name is Al Gore, and I was the Vice President of the United States of America." God replied, "Well, that is very impressive, come on in." Then Bill Clinton approached God and said, "My name is Bill Clinton, and I was the President of the United States of America." God Replied, "That is even more impressive, come on in." Then Hillary approached God and demanded, "My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton, and what are you doing in MY chair???"

==========================

A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in............unbeknownst to any of them......................... it is Jesus.

The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab.....the waiter does so.

The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and to put it on his tab............the waiter does so.

The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab..........the waiter does so.

When Jesus is finished eating, He goes over to the Republican and says, "I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat.  Thank you.  I see you are blind.".... and He touches the man's eye, and it is healed.

Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, "I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink.  Thank you.  I see you have a bad arm.".....and He touches the man's arm, and it is healed.

Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat.  The Democrat moves far back from Jesus and exclaims............"Don't touch me!!!  I'm on 100% disability!!!"    (submitted by astrophyl)

==========================

The President was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, " Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen.
Sure enough, there was the hooker, who waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President...... See what you get for five Bucks?!"    Submitted by Roger Gagnon

==========================


This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, well consider her the Working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes any sense" So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peaks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."    Submitted by Roger Gagnon

==========================

A LITTLE BOY WANTED $100.OO BADLY AND PRAYED FOR TWO WEEKS BUT NOTHING HAPPENED. THEN HE DECIDED TO WRITE GOD A LETTER REQUESTING THE $100.00. WHEN THE POSTALAUTHORITIES RECEIVED THE LETTER TO GOD USA, THEY DECIDED TO SEND IT TO PRESIDENT CLINTON. THE PRESIDENT WAS SO IMPRESSED, TOUCHED, AND AMUSED THAT HE INSTRUCTED HIS SECRETARY TO SEND THE LITTLE BOY A $5.00 BILL. PRESIDENT CLINTON THOUGHT THIS WOULD APPEAR TO BE A LOT OF MONEY TO A LITTLE BOY. THE LITTLE BOY WAS DELIGHTED WITH THE $5.00 AND SAT DOWN TO WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE TO GOD, WHICH READ: DEAR GOD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SENDING ME THE MONEY, HOWEVER, I NOTICED THAT FOR SOME REASON YOU HAD TO SEND IT THROUGH WASHINGTON AND, AS USUAL,.....THOSE BASTARD DEDUCTED $95.00   Submitted by cs

==========================

A young good looking woman goes to the white house to interview with the president for an intern position. The President, sensing that the young woman was nervous, asks if she would like to see the presidential clock. Knowing the presidents reputation, and not being accustomed to his accent, wasn't sure what he asked and asked "WHAT??!!!" The President asked her again, "Would you care to see the presidential clock?" The young woman replied, "Oh, O.K., sure."  With that, the President walks up to her, drops his drawers, and waves his unit in her face. " THAT'S NOT A CLOCK!!!!!", SHE SCREAMED. " It will be once I get two hands and a face on it." replied the president. Submitted by cabayao

==========================

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered, she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!! The President remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@&#  GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered "Who is this???".................... Submitted by tony jones

==========================

A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman: "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do", replied the salesman. "You a Democrat or Republican?", asked the old man. "A Republican", replied the salesman. "Get screwed!", yelled the old man as he sped off. The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer: "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!", shouted the salesman. "Hop in!", replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?", she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"

==========================

Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and OJ have in common?
A1. Both scored a lot in high school.
A2. Both can't explain the stains on their clothes.
A3. Both have sore knees.

Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Q. How long does it take Kenneth Starr to screw in a light bulb?
A. 5 years and 40 million dollars later, he's still in the dark.

Q. How long does it take Bill Clinton to screw in a light bulb?
A. He doesn't. The light bulb is just a close friend.

Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker

Q: What is Clinton's favorite brand of toothbrush?
A: ORAL B.

Q. What is Clinton's favorite TV Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver

Q. What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He's trolling for interns.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

Q. Did Monica like her job at the Pentagon?
A. The work was OK, but the benefits sucked.

Q. If the job was so boring, why didn't she quit?
A. She didn't want to blow an opportunity.

Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice

Q: What's the definition of an American Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the President.

Q. What do Bill Clinton and Dennis Rodman have in common?
A. They're both rebounding champs in their respective professions.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A. One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the white house, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!

Q. What's the difference between the Titanic and the President?
A. Only fifteen hundred people went down on the Titanic.

Q. What's the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A. There was something classy about the Titanic.

Q. Why can't Al Gore be Chief Executive?
A. Monica thinks he's tall enough, but he lacks Presidential timber.

Q. What's the most truthful item on Monica Lewinsky's resume?
A. "Sat on Presidential staff."

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You have French fries in your hair and Vernon Jordan is getting you a new job.
Submitted by jerrynic

==========================

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. President Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.  President Clinton: Why is that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.  President Clinton: You're a day late.  Submitted by roger gagnon

==========================

Andrew Johnson's Top Ten Complaints When HE Was Impeached in the 1860's


10. All that grandstanding in the Senate by Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond.

9. "Independent counsel Jebediah Starr is on a witch hunt."

8. Could no longer be called "Big Johnson."

7. Congress seized his collection of frozen woodchucks.

6. Constant ridicule in the Hecklers Parchment Top Ten.

5. When Lloyd Bentsen gave him the "You're no Lincoln" schtick.

4. "Cigars? I never even thought of that!!!"

3. "How would I know if she's 18? We haven't invented drivers licenses yet!"

2. No media overkill to portray him as the victim of a vast right-wing conspiracy aimed at the breakdown of the American family.

1. Book deal would take 3 years to publish.

*******