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Religious Humor

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A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions... A man walks in and kneels down, "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession, these are my sins.  Last night I had sex with Nookie Green." "That is your sin? " "Yes."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father." The man leaves.  Soon, another enters and kneels.  "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins.  I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."     The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...  "Those are your sins?"
"Yes."  "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."    The man leaves.  Soon another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six  months since my last confession.  These are my sins.  I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."   This time, priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"  "Just a woman I know."  "Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."   The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who
this Nookie Green woman is...The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation giving the sermon.   The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.  She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.    The priest can not help but stop and stare.  He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the  altar boy, " Pssssst.  Is that Nookie Green?    The altar boy has a look and and says, "No, I think it's just the reflection off  her shoes."  (submitted by Rett)

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon....
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think?  I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Monday that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine             coolers, diet tab and fresca....we drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.   You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right -you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No.....
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) You're gonna hate Fridays...(submitted by Rett)

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."  A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn`t get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"  (submitted by jerrynic)

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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice God Damn Fish!"   The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."  The man said, "Uh..uh..But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a 'God Damn Fish.'"  The sister said, "Oh, ok." The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the God Damn Fish I caught."  Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."  The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a 'God Damn Fish.'"   So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the 'God Damn Fish' and I'll clean it."   While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the 'God Damn Fish' that the sister caught."   Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"  Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a 'God Damn Fish.'" Monsignor said, "Well give me the 'God Damn Fish' and I'll
cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the 'God Damn Fish.'"  And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the 'God Damn Fish.'" And Monsignor said, "I cooked the 'God Damn Fish.'" The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said... "Wow. I like this fucking place already!"(submitted by Roger G.)

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A couple of novice nuns walked into the corner liquor store and  one of them asked the proprietor for a fifth of gin.   "Sisters, now how would it look for a respectable fellow like me to sell alcohol to  nuns?" was the reply. One of the nuns leaned over the counter and whispered conspiratorially, "It's really for the Mother Superior's constipation." The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to them since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition that they hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone. An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside, only to immediately come across the nuns on a park bench, roaring drunk.  "Sisters," he said angrily, "you know I only sold you that gin because it was to ease Mother superior's constipation." "It ish," slurred one the nuns.  When she sees us, she's gonna shit."  (submitted by Rhett)

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A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
(submitted by Rhett)

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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.  Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.  Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,  trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving ... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."  Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"  "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.  Satan was a little perturbed at
this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"  The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48
years!(submitted by Chuck)

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come  along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.  After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but
in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."(submitted by dhc6)

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There was a Pope greatly loved by his followers, a man who led with gentleness. His passing was grieved by the entire world. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, St. Peter greeted him.     Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving  your fellow men has earned you great stature.  You are granted an open door policy and have free access to all parts of heaven.  Is there anything your holiness desires?."  "Well, yes, the Pope replied.  "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."  St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library. Two weeks later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.  Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating   over and over,  "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -   it's celibRate!"        (submitted by scott true)

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A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.  Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good  in your life but, you never did anything bad either.  Tell you what, if  you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,  "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.  I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.  Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.  As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head  with the tire iron.  Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!  You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!  Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"  St. Peter, impressed, says "Really?  When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."    (submitted by KWT)

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There was a Rabbi who went to pay a visit to the home of a 92-year-old member of his congregation. While the woman made tea, the Rabbi looked around and saw a beautiful old organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it.  After tea, the Rabbi's curiosity got the best of him and he asked  the woman about the condom. She explained, "While in town, I found a package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said 'Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease' and you know, I think it works; I haven't had a cold all winter..."(submitted by C Guinn)

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There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he got, he would be out on the course swinging away.  It was an obsession.  One Sunday morning was a picture perfect day for golfing.  The sun was out, no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right.  He was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly the urge to play golf overcame him.  He called an assistant to tell him he was sick and couldn't make church.  He packed his clubs in the car and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.   Happily, he began to play the course.  An angel up above looked down and was quite perturbed at his conduct.  He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher.   He should be punished for what he is doing."  God nodded in agreement.   The preacher teed up on the first hole.  He swung at the ball, it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 350 yards away.  A picture perfect hole-in-one.  The preacher couldn't believe it.  Next hole, par 5;   with equally impressive shorts, the preacher scores a double-eagle. With each successive hole, he becomes more and more excited and amazed! The angel was a little shocked...he turned to God and said, "Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him"   God smiled..."Think about it...who can he tell?" (submitted by astrophyl)

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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.  The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.  You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf  and dropped it" said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there. "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church"  stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man.   "We're not welcome at Albersons anymore, either." (submitted by jerrynic)

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A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.  Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to preceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these preceedings with interest.  He announces himself to St. Peter.  Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth.  You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe.  Surely I rate higher than a cabby."  St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept.  When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."(submitted by astrophyl)

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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.  After a while, the priest opened the conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you ever actually tasted it?" The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too.. I know you're supposed to be celibate. But..." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeked around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" (submitted by jerrynic)

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.  "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.  Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."  The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."  A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"  The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."  The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!"  The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." (submitted by jerrynic)

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A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.  After a while, they came upon a small cabin.  Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm soooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.  We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!" (submitted by BMCS & AstroPhyl)

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A very religious guy named John finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into church and begins to pray........... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. John goes back to church..................... "God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and John still has no luck!! Back to church.................. "God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car, and now my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and John is confronted by the voice of GOD himself.  "JOHN, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, WHY DON'T YOU BUY A TICKET." (submitted by jerrynic)

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The pope was walking down the street on his visit in Alaska, taking in the day when suddenly, from the bushes out pops Dopey of the seven dwarves. He walks to the pope and asks "Uhh your Popeness may I ask if you know any dwarf nuns in Alaska?"  The Pope smiles at him and says "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nun in Alaska" Dopey runs back to the bushes and you hear him and the other dwarfs mumbling. Soon he walks back up to the Pope. "Uhh...your greatness are there any dwarf nuns in the United States?"   The pope sighs slightly and says "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in the United States". So Dopey runs back to the bushes and after more mumbling with the others he walks back to the Pope.  "Umm...your Supreme Highness Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"  Now the pope, being slightly frustrated, says "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe, in fact I am quite positive there are no dwarf nuns in the entire world. Why do you keep asking?"   Suddenly he hears the other dwarfs start chanting in the bushes "Dopey screwed a penguin!!  Dopey screwed a penguin!!!!"............ (submitted by jerrynic)

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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake.  In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.  St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.  St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever    asked.  Let me go find out," and he leaves.  The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.  "What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.  "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."  "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?  Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!  Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?" (submitted by KWT & Scott True)

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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided  all the Jews had to leave the Vatican.  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal.  He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community.  If the Jew won, the Jews could stay.  If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice.  So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them.  Moishe asked for one addition to the debate.  To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.  The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.  Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.  Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.  The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.  Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.  The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.  The Pope stood up and said,  "I give up.  This man is too good.  The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.  The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.  He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.  Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.  He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.  He had an answer for everything.  What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened, they wanted to know. " Well", said Moishe, "first the Pope said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.  Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews.  I let him know that we were staying right here."  And then, asked a woman?  "I don't know", said Moishe, "he took out his lunch and I took out mine." (submitted by jerrynic)

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Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money toward the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside God kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what God wants, God takes." (submitted by jerrynic)

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Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy. "Gee, it's mighty dark in here," Timmy said. "Yes, it sure is," replied the boyfriend. "You wan'na buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?" asked Timmy. "No way, kid. You're crazy," said the boyfriend. "I'll scream," said Timmy. The boyfriend forked over the money. The next day, Timmy's grandmother came to visit and saw him thumbing through a wad of money. "Where did you get all that money, Timmy?" she asked, suspecting that he stole it. Timmy wouldn't say. "Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell the priest," said Grandma, dragging Timmy off to the church. As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, "Gee, it's mighty dark in here." "Are you going to start that shit again?" the priest said.

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This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have this problem. I have two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you" said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"

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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither one of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Arn't you having any?" The rabbi replies, No... I think I'll wait for the police."

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After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."   Submitted by C. Guinn

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A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?" The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?" "We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?" The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!" "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"  "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?" Submitted by roger gagnon

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Father O'Grady was saying goodbyes to the parishioners after church as he always does and Mary Clancy came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you, dear?" inquired the father. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night." "Oh, Mary" said Father O'Grady, "that's terrible". "Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," replied mary. "He said, "please Mary, put the gun down."   Submitted by jim collins

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A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start." The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..." The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize I am Polish?" "I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower..." Submitted by jerrynic

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A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives a similar reply. "Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: A man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question briefly and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work my wife would have the maid do it." Submitted by jerrynic

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Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it's me." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No" "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No Father." "Was it Amy Thomas?" "No, Father." "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "NO, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers..."What happened?" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads!"  Submitted by Astrophyl

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