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One Liners

 

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Bumper Stickers & Good One Liners:

If it has tits or wheels, it's gonna give you problems.
Constipated people don't give a shit!!
Hey you!  Get out of the gene pool!
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ASS!
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass...
"Diplomacy" is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a big rock. 
Never raise your hands to your kids...it leaves your groin unprotected.
Remember folks:  Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
(Reported to be seen on a restaurant)  GUYS:  No shirt, no service GALS:   No shirt, no charge
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the  Hut??
Impotence:  Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Necrophillia:  That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Save the trees  ...  Wipe your butt with an owl.
Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes.
The early bird may get the worm, but its the 2nd mouse that gets the cheese..
If ignorance is bliss, then you must be orgasmic.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do
Cats... the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of   meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ARE TALKING TO ME
EARTH IS FULL GO HOME
I HAVE THE BODY OF A  GOD...................BUDDHA
THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME
SO MANY PEDESTRIANS SO LITTLE TIME
IF PROGRESS MEANS TO MOVE FORWARD WHAT DOES CONGRESS MEAN?
IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
POLITICS - FROM THE WORDS "POLY," MEANING "MANY," AND "TICKS," AS IN "SMALL, BLOOD-SUCKING PARASITES"
HE WHO HESITATES IS NOT ONLY LOST BUT MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
If you don't die from it -- it is healthy
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

 

Q & A

Q: How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?  A: Mace
Q: What is 6.9? A: Good sex interrupted by a period.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me! lie to me!"
Q: How are pubic hairs like parsley? A: You push them aside before you eat.
Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage? A: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Q: If you get malaria from mosquitoes and lime disease from ticks, what do you get AIDS from? A: Asshoppers.
Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Q: What is the speed for sex? A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over.
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Q: Why did God invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken
Q: What is the politically correct name for "Lesbian"? A: "Vagitarian"
Q: What is the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian? A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike? A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
Q: What is the difference between 69 and driving in the fog? A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q. Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse? A. Because she was fuckin' Goofy.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children.  What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your newcar.
What's the height of conceit?  Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?  You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song? It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What is forty foot long and has eight teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the weather like in Tahoe? Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
What's the ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snowblower coming.
What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck
Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf? Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog? A prick that stays up all night.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What's a wife? It's an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Is sex dirty? Only if done correctly.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs..
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.00 a minute
What's the difference between pink and purple? the tightness of your grip
How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap and spreads easy.
What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.
What do men do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.
What disease paralyzes men below the waist? Marriage.
Why did God give men bigger brains then dogs? So he wouldn't hump your leg in public.
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash? Some dick cut her off.
Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing? The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
What's brown and often found in children's underpants? Michael Jackson's hand.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
How can you tell if a bank robber is gay? He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate? One to do the work and the other to moan with.
What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

 

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent
me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last
mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. "Amen"


Definitions for Modern Times

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


Quotes

Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?     George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself.   Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. A. Whitney Brown
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.      Jeff Stilson
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.  Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?  Robin Williams

 

Have You Ever Wondered How ... 

Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?
Men who flunked high school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?


Top Ten Modern Mysteries of the World

10. The entire WB fall season.
9. How is it that someone has not killed Richard Simmons?
8. Does paper REALLY cover rock?
7. Mind-boggling disappearance of that punk-ass kid who played Nicholas.
6. Who invented textured toilet paper, and why?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
4. How did so many people give a damn about 'Who's the Boss?'
3. If the cigar don't fit, must Congress acquit?
2. Does the HO staff really get paid for this?
1. Why would 1 out of 5 dentists NOT recommend sugarless gum for his patients that chew gum?


Top Ten Papal Complaints About His First 20 Years

10. Hat hair.
9. Castro stunk like no tomorrow.
8. Didn't get to handle that Monica chick's confession personally.
7. The heat he took when the Vatican cinema booked There's Something About Mary, mistakenly thinking it was about someone else.
6. Attempt to replace Latin with Polish never really went anywhere. 
5. Constantly having to answer the sarcastic question, "Is the Pope Catholic?"
4. Being mistaken for a member of the KKK while visiting Georgia.
3. Catholics just can't come up with a singing duet to compete with Donnie and Marie.
2. Just ONCE he'd like the staff he carries to shoot lightning bolts.