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Sports

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Luke had been a relatively unsuccessful poor dirt farmer all of his life. After a string of particularly bad years, he finally decided to give up and get a real job.  Having a limited education and no training, the only position he could find was on the production line at a new factory in the area.  This particular company was wholly Japanese owned, controlled and managed.

After Luke had been working for only a few months, the company held a contest for the production workers with a grand prize of a week's trip to Japan (all expenses paid) to meet the company's Chairman of the Board. Luke was diligent in his duties, worked hard, was always on time and never took any restroom breaks. Luke won the grand prize!

There was one difficult aspect to Luke's trip  - he spoke absolutely no Japanese.   However, many Japanese spoke some English and Luke finally made it from Tokyo Airport to his hotel.  In the evening a Geisha Girl showed up in Luke's room and he concluded that it might harm international relations if he did not perform some international "relations" and so he began to perform his best. He did his very best and concluded that the young lady was enjoying it for she began to shout "Bong Tsai!  Bong Tsai!" and squirmed and bounced with great animation and briskness.   He had no idea what "Bong Tsai" actually meant but figured it must be something good and so he continued to perform his best..... and she continued to shout "Bong Tsai!"

The next day Luke was picked up by the CEO of US Operations for a golf game with the Chairman of the Board and his Vice-Chairman..... neither of whom spoke any English.   The CEO acted as interpreter and the game proceeded pleasantly until the fourth hole.  On this short par 3 the Chairman of the Board hit a beautiful shot which bounced twice and dropped right into
the cup for a hole-in-one.  The Japanese began to shout and yell many excited phrases which were, of course, meaningless to Luke.  He knew he should say something but he knew no Japanese.  And then he  remembered the gleeful cries of the previous evening and began to shout "Bong Tsai!  Bong Tsai!" because he assumed that was something good.

A hush fell over the group.  Everyone stared at Luke.  The CEO of US Operations asked him in disbelief, "What do you mean wrong hole?" (submitted by jerrynic)

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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.  Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.  "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to
the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.  Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don`t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I`m up for that.   When would you like to play?" "I don`t care - any night next week is OK with me."(submitted by jerrynic)

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A man moves from Scotland to the U.S. and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears thefans roaring, "Run!  Run!"  The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:  "R-r-r-un, yah bahstard.  R-r-r-un!"  A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "RRRun. ya bahstard, rrrun, will ya."

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls, "Take your base."  The Scotsman stands up, yelling, "RRRun ya bahstard, rrrun!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down confused.  A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."  The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts,
"Wahlk with prrride, man!"(submitted by Skosh)

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This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron...

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."  - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't
been through in school."  -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was
ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a
1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players
to and from class" 
- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."  -Boxing promoter Dan Duva
on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes
to see the game anymore."  -Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." 
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann (submitted by KWT)

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A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in the bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make.  I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah?   Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?"   "Yeah."  "Well he's rich, famous, and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with  him."  The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.  "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says,  "I'm hungry.  I was going to call room service and get some food."  "Tiger wouldn't do that." replies the wife.  "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"   "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his new wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.  "What are you doing?" she says.  The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."  "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?"  "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole." (submitted by Rhett)

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Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious, smelling of booze. Out of respect and propriety, the Packers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49er fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Cowboys fan took his cap off and placed it over her crotch.   911 was called, and when the paramedics and Police arrived, they checked over the woman.   First, they lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some  notes.   Next, they lifted the 49er cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.  The officer then lifted the cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.   The Cowboys fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?  Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the paramedic. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Cowboys hat, I find an asshole."(submitted by Chuck)

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The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees:  bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls   (submitted by Rhett)

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Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in  the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line.  He decided to take a
chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,  "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"  "No," the man replied, "they're all at her funeral."  (submitted by Rhett)

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A Texas killer awaiting execution escaped prison early Friday in a hail of bullets. Dallas Cowboys coach Chan Gailey listed him as "probable" for a Sunday start.  (submitted by Rhett)

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Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.  The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two. The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry. The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play. The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife
"Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied, "Don't forget your sweater".  (submitted by Chuck)

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The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.  Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.  When he asked baby bear about living with his  father, baby bear said:
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear,  "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. 
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked    the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody." (submitted by astrophyl)

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THE PRETZEL HOLD
                     
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he  has.  Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold!  If he does, you're finished!"  The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match:  The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.  All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.  The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! 

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?  No one has ever done it before!"  The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.  "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own balls!" (submitted by jerrynic)

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This guy decided to go hunting for bear in the woods. He took his little 22cal. rifle and headed out. As he came to the top of a hill he saw a bear on the other side. He aimed and fired, but missed. The bear came running after him and grabbed him by the throat "You tried to kill me. You have two choices, Blow me or I'll eat you." The guy couldn't believe it, the bear talked. What was he going to do? He didn't want to die so he got down on his knees and blew the bear. When he was done the bear said "good choice" and walked away.  The hunter was stunned. There was no way he could tell anyone what had happened. They wouldn't believe him and he was really embarrassed. He decided to kill the bear once and for all. He went to the sporting goods store and bought the biggest double-barreled shotgun they had. As he came over the hill he saw the same bear as before. He took aim and fired but missed. The bear came running up the hill and grabbed him by the throat.  "You have two choices, blow me or I'll eat you." The hunter still didn't want to die so he blew the bear again.  When he was done the bear said "good choice" and walked away. The hunter was so upset, he went back to the city and found a gangster on the corner and bought two automatic Uzis with extra large clips. He went to the same hill and saw the same bear. He thought " this time I've got you, you bastard." He fired both guns at the bear. The sound was deafening. Leaves and tree branches were flying all over like a scene from the movies. When he finally ran out of bullets there was a thick cloud of dust at the bottom of the hill. All of a sudden the bear came running up and grabbed him by the throat. The bear said to him "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?" (submitted by jerrynic)

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. "You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

"And that, your honor, is how a fifteen year-old girl ended up in my room."

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