| Luke had been a relatively unsuccessful poor dirt farmer
all of his life. After a string of particularly bad years, he finally decided to give up
and get a real job. Having a limited education and no training, the only position he
could find was on the production line at a new factory in the area. This particular
company was wholly Japanese owned, controlled and managed.
After Luke had been working for only a few months, the company held a contest for the
production workers with a grand prize of a week's trip to Japan (all expenses paid) to
meet the company's Chairman of the Board. Luke was diligent in his duties, worked hard,
was always on time and never took any restroom breaks. Luke won the grand prize!
There was one difficult aspect to Luke's trip - he spoke absolutely no Japanese.
However, many Japanese spoke some English and Luke finally made it from Tokyo
Airport to his hotel. In the evening a Geisha Girl showed up in Luke's room and he
concluded that it might harm international relations if he did not perform some
international "relations" and so he began to perform his best. He did his very
best and concluded that the young lady was enjoying it for she began to shout "Bong
Tsai! Bong Tsai!" and squirmed and bounced with great animation and briskness.
He had no idea what "Bong Tsai" actually meant but figured it must be
something good and so he continued to perform his best..... and she continued to shout
"Bong Tsai!"
The next day Luke was picked up by the CEO of US Operations for a golf game with the
Chairman of the Board and his Vice-Chairman..... neither of whom spoke any English.
The CEO acted as interpreter and the game proceeded pleasantly until the fourth
hole. On this short par 3 the Chairman of the Board hit a beautiful shot which
bounced twice and dropped right into
the cup for a hole-in-one. The Japanese began to shout and yell many excited phrases
which were, of course, meaningless to Luke. He knew he should say something but he
knew no Japanese. And then he remembered the gleeful cries of the previous
evening and began to shout "Bong Tsai! Bong Tsai!" because he assumed that
was something good.
A hush fell over the group. Everyone stared at Luke. The CEO of US Operations
asked him in disbelief, "What do you mean wrong hole?" (submitted by jerrynic)
==========================
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that
they ought to get together and play a few holes. "You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were
blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my
caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of
his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the
caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to
the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous
and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well,
people don`t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than
$100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I`m up for that.
When would you like to play?" "I don`t care - any night next week is OK with
me."(submitted by jerrynic)
==========================
A man moves from Scotland to the U.S. and attends his first baseball game.
After a base hit he hears thefans roaring, "Run! Run!" The next
batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd
in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un, yah bahstard. R-r-r-un!" A
third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams, "RRRun. ya bahstard, rrrun, will ya."
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls, "Take your
base." The Scotsman stands up, yelling, "RRRun ya bahstard, rrrun!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down confused. A friendly fan,
sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four
balls." The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts,
"Wahlk with prrride, man!"(submitted
by Skosh)
==========================
This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron...
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes." - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't
been through in school." -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was
ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a
1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players
to and from class"
- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton." -Boxing promoter Dan Duva
on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes
to see the game anymore." -Yogi Berra
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann (submitted by KWT)
==========================
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in the bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make. I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big
thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah?
Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous, and handsome. I can see why you went
to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When
they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you
doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to
call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that."
replies the wife. "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come
back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back
to bed and makes love with his new wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and
goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says. The husband
says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some
food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would
Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy
slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When
they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to
dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole." (submitted by Rhett)
==========================
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude
female unconscious, smelling of booze. Out of respect and propriety, the Packers fan took
off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49er fan took off his cap and placed
it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Cowboys fan took his cap off and placed it over her crotch.
911 was called, and when the paramedics and Police arrived, they checked over the
woman. First, they lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. Next, they lifted the 49er cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some more notes. The officer then lifted the cowboys cap, replaced it, then
lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Cowboys fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert
or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the paramedic. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look
under a Cowboys hat, I find an asshole."(submitted
by Chuck)
==========================
The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on
corporate America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls (submitted by Rhett)
==========================
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last
row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field
right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a
chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty
seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such
a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with
my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob,
"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close
friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at her
funeral." (submitted by Rhett)
==========================
A Texas killer awaiting execution escaped prison early Friday in a hail of
bullets. Dallas Cowboys coach Chan Gailey listed him as "probable" for a Sunday
start. (submitted by Rhett)
==========================
Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their
wives to let them play golf. The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red
roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two. The second golfer related that he would do all
of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry. The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen
so that his wife would let him play. The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the
alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife
"Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied, "Don't forget your
sweater". (submitted by Chuck)
==========================
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in
family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide
who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he
thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about
living with his father, baby bear said:
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear
does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to
stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat
anybody." (submitted by astrophyl)
==========================
THE PRETZEL HOLD
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to
the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American
wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've
done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do,
don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The
wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian
circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A
sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his
hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream,
a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American
weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was
astounded!
When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,
"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I
opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had
nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you
bite
your own balls!" (submitted by
jerrynic)
==========================
This guy decided to go hunting for bear in the woods. He took his little 22cal. rifle
and headed out. As he came to the top of a hill he saw a bear on the other side. He aimed
and fired, but missed. The bear came running after him and grabbed him by the throat
"You tried to kill me. You have two choices, Blow me or I'll eat you." The guy
couldn't believe it, the bear talked. What was he going to do? He didn't want to die so he
got down on his knees and blew the bear. When he was done the bear said "good
choice" and walked away. The hunter was stunned. There was no way he could tell
anyone what had happened. They wouldn't believe him and he was really embarrassed. He
decided to kill the bear once and for all. He went to the sporting goods store and bought
the biggest double-barreled shotgun they had. As he came over the hill he saw the same
bear as before. He took aim and fired but missed. The bear came running up the hill and
grabbed him by the throat. "You have two choices, blow me or I'll eat
you." The hunter still didn't want to die so he blew the bear again. When he
was done the bear said "good choice" and walked away. The hunter was so upset,
he went back to the city and found a gangster on the corner and bought two automatic Uzis
with extra large clips. He went to the same hill and saw the same bear. He thought "
this time I've got you, you bastard." He fired both guns at the bear. The sound was
deafening. Leaves and tree branches were flying all over like a scene from the movies.
When he finally ran out of bullets there was a thick cloud of dust at the bottom of the
hill. All of a sudden the bear came running up and grabbed him by the throat. The bear
said to him "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?" (submitted by jerrynic)
==========================
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and
is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches
from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. "You must
be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man
decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man
golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot
to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
"And that, your honor, is how a fifteen year-old girl ended up in
my room."
========================== |
